my life, my heart and you

“I love you Bimby.” I told you as we are watching our favorite TV program.

You didn’t utter a word… Instead, you leaned over to my right shoulder as you pretended to concentrate on watching TV.

I sighed… I really want to talk to you about things that have been happening to us lately. But I prefer not to tell you what I really feel inside. I’m goin’ to make this easy for the both of us… At least, for you.
I always have you for companion. Our friendship is so special but we took a risk anyway to share something more magical.

I’ve been oblivious of the time and my reverie was broken the instant you asked me to go to sleep. As we stood up, I held you in my arms and hugged you tight. You were somehow surprised with the way I acted.
“I love you so much Bimby”, I barely whispered. I tried to remain calm but the whole of me was already shaking, terrified of what to happen, of what I was about to do.
“Are you ok heart?” you asked me with confusion.
“Of course, I am. Now let’s go to sleep.” I answered.
I held your hand as we entered the bedroom. I took a glance to where we shared everything. I pulled you back gently and stared at you and said, “Promise me… you’ll have to be strong at all times… Not only for us. But especially for you.”
“You’re acting really strange, do we have a problem?” you asked again.
I gave a fake laugh to somehow hide the pain, but I know I’m shaking inside.
“Nothing. I just want an assurance. I want you to be strong at all times. Can you promise me that?”
With a smile on your face, you told me, “Yes, I promise! I love you” then you kissed me and hugged me. So passionate… that I almost didn’t want to let go. If only I could freeze that scene.

We went to bed, and I closed my eyes pretended to be asleep until I know you already are. I opened my eyes and I gazed at you. My hand was trembling as I cleared your face of those hair strands that went off place. Words cannot describe how beautiful you are. How I love the way you smile, and how expressive your eyes are. I am so glad that you are not awake to see me, because my eyes speak of nothing, but the torture I’m having. As I was waiting for the break of dawn, I was saddened by the thought that I will no longer have someone to share my everyday life with. If how will I start my life living without you.
I can feel your breathe next to me, then I finally gave in. Tears fall off from my eyes as I gave your forehead a kiss. As much as I want to hold you close and hug you tight with the remaining hours I have with you, all I can do is to watch you peacefully sleeping beneath the sheets.
Our relationship is more on friendship and I guess that’s what made us more special. The days I have spent with you are definitely one of the bests I have ever lived. I found a genuine contentment with you. You were always there to make me smile, to make me laugh and you were there to hold me whenever I needed comfort. You know how much I love those movie dates we spent together and those nights that we spent watching the sky and star gazing. I even told you that I can be everything you want me to be and I even told you that I am your star that will always shine for you. It’s amazing how we can talk about everything and anything and that helped us to know each other better.
There were times that others judged us for the kind of relationship that we are having. But none of those mattered to me; because as long and as soon as you talk to me, we vanish into reality into a world of our own. We were inseparable…Or so I thought.
The day came when you told me that we should take some time apart and that we should try not to be so attached for a while and you’ll be busy with other things in life as you found new activities that you have to do on your own. You really caught me by surprise. Day and night I prayed, hoped, wished and cried for you to come back to me. Mere words cannot express the grief I had as I waited for you.
As if the heavens heard my weeping and then you were back. You gave the affection that I longed for and made me feel that you are mine again.
All the while, I thought everything is going well. But there were moments that I felt that restlessness within you. I never had the courage to ask you for I might not like the answer. But then, I couldn’t bear anymore those times that you just stared back at with that blank expression conveying that feeling of emptiness.
Rumor has it. I never dared to ask you. I kept my silence and I preferred to believe you. Because what is love without trust? Then one day, you told me that your mind and heart are telling you two totally different things. You are in the state of bewilderment. That you are already confused if you want to stay or not. I never said a word.

Perplexed, I felt the world collapsed beneath me. I know there is a great reason behind but I did not ask any explanation of you having uncertainty to stay with me. The fact that you are already half willing to go, I succumbed, hurt. You did come back, but you are only half mine now. For someone or something has changed your mind… or your heart.


I sat beside you and watched you snuggle at our bed. Daybreak will soon come a few minutes from now. I don’t want to go. Yet, I can no longer stay.

God,.. you are just right here beside me but how can you be so distant? You have no idea of the torment I am suffering and it will be forever untold.
I cannot bring myself to hold you for the last time, because I know, I will only give in. A big part of me wants to remain and hold you instead. But I have to be strong to save whatever that’s left for us. I don’t want you to wake up one day feeling nothing for me. So before your love for me totally vanishes, I’ll go… So you can keep that remaining love for me in your heart.
It is now my turn to find myself, of who I am without you. God only knows where it will lead me to.

Don’t ever think that I am letting you go.
I have not given up on you.
I am not letting you go…. I am merely letting you go.
Always remember that. For you will always have my heart no matter what.


Before I walked through the door, before I turned my back, I took one last look to the world where we spent our happy days. Then I took one last look at you. I stared so deeply at you. I wish you knew and I wish I could tell you how you defined my existence and until this very moment, it’s still you. In the end of this, I realized, we could have been the perfect couple, but we don’t have the perfect situation. Nevertheless, you proved me that same-sex relationship could be possible and wonderful.

As I took my steps away from here, I closed my eyes and embraced the melancholy that welcomed me. I knew I left three things here…
My life,
my heart
and you…