funny quotes

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. (not a clue!)


When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car. (maybe Will Rogers)


A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished. Zsa Zsa Gabor


There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. (not a clue!)


I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes. Oscar Wilde


A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials. (not a clue!)


A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it is written on. Samual Goldwyn


The road to success is always under construction. Lily Tomlin


A man's only as old as the woman he feels. Groucho Marx


If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button. Sam Levenson


Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made. George Burns


Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. (not a clue!)


Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it. (not a clue!)
I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere. George Burns
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What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come. (not a clue!)
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying. Oscar Wilde
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together. Oprah Winfrey


The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away. Tom Waits


Income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf. Will Rogers


Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected! (not a clue!)


Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Erma Bombeck


Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die. Peter Tosh


Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies. - Proverb


If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.David Brent


Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me? Mae West


The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory. Paul Fix


It's not true I had nothing on. I had the radio on. (nude calendar picture) Marilyn Monroe


A man in the house is worth two in the street. (not a clue!)