new funny shiznits

       Rumors? Impressive bitch. At least you're spreading something else besides your legs.
        Once upon a time, there was a boy and a girl who loved each other. Then a SLUT came along and ruined everything. THE END.
        "I'll text you back later okay?" LOL JK YOU ARE ANNOYING.
        "Your teeth are like the stars" "Aww thanks!" "Yes, yellow and far away from each other...."
        I CAN'T GO, I'M SORRY. My sister's friend's father's grandma's brother's grandson's uncle's fish died. It was tragic.
        Cop: "You look drunk. Say the alphabet backwards." Driver: "Dude, I can't even do that when I'm sober."
        "OH SO YOU THINK YOU CAN BREAK DANCE BETTER THAN ME!?" Grandma please, he's having a heart attack.
        Some days my phone’s battery is like “I’m here for you buddy.” Other days its like “hey man, fuck you”
        "GO STUDY!" "FINE!" *goes to room and logs on to Twitter*
         God made us all different. But when he got to China he thought "Okay. Copy, paste, copy, paste..."
        "OH MY GOD THERE'S A WEIRD CHEESE ON THE TV!" Grandma please... It's Spongebob!
        I DID NOT HIT YOU! I simply high-fived your face.
        I look around when talking because direct eye contact is weird sometimes.
        "Dude, I wasn't that drunk..." ... "You cut all my pineapples and kept yelling, SPONGEBOB I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!"
   
 “HeY tHeRe wHaTs uP?!” Bitch, is your caps lock having a seizure?
        "EVERYDAY I'M SHUFFLIN" Grandma please, just deal the cards! -___-
        I'm going to open a store next to "forever 21" and call it "finally 22".
        "Hey can i use your phone to call my mom?" "Yea just press redial." .
        You want me to tell you who the most amazing person with a wonderful smile is? Read the third word.
        OMG WALKING CARROT! Oh wait, that's just a girl with cheap fake tan.....
        Dear 99 cent store, How about a gas station? Sincerely, the world.
        Don't you just hate it when 9 year olds have a better phone than you. Like, who are you gonna call kid? Cookie monster? -__-
        "I wasn't that drunk" "Bro, you smashed my turtle saying you were Mario Bros" -___-
        I hate it when someone turns the lights on while I'm asleep, and I'm all like (°_-)
        Yes Officer, I did see the speed limit sign! I just didn't see your car...
        MIDDLE SCHOOL "Shut up, it was a dare!!" HIGH SCHOOL "Shut up, I was drunk!!"
        Spongebob: "Remember Patrick, flatter the customer, make him feel good." (Customer opens the door) Patrick: "I LOVE YOU."
        Okay, I'm gonna study now. *2 hours later* Okay, I'm gonna study now. *repeat cycle*
        I'm sorry slut, but unfortunately there isn't a "clear history" button for your virginity.
        ''I HAD THIS AMAZING DREAM LAST NIGHT!'' ''What was it about?'' ''...I can't remember.." -_-
        Omg wrong person! Cancel. Cancel! Cancel!! CANCEL!! *message sent* Ok kill me now. -_-
        "Age is just a number!'' Yeah... So is 911 you pedophile.
        Sometimes "I'm sorry" Isn't good enough, especially when it's been overused & abused... it loses it's meaning.
        "Dude this song is so old!" "Yeah, so is your MOM but you still listen to her."
        "GIRL PULL YOUR SHIRT DOWN! WE CAN SEE YOUR BELLY!" Grandma please.... That's Dora -__-
        "Is that your ex?" "No. That's the biggest mistake of my life."
        "HAHA YOU FAILED!" "Yeah, so did your Dad's condom."
        If swimming is such a good way to stay in shape; Explain whales.
        I hate when I'm singing and some idiot thinks they can join in with me... Bitch this is not Glee.
Nothing Speaks louder or more powerfully than a life of integrity. Absolutely nothing stands the test like solid character, which will always win the day. As Horace Greeley wrote. "Fame is a vapor, popularity an accident, riches take wing and only character endures"