Just another talking

SoMeoNe askeD me today, why am i afraid to have a relatioNsHip?
And it madE me tHink dEep..
in the past five m0nths, i've had two text "relationsHipS".
1 was with crystal, and it lasteD for a weEk, if u col that relati0nshp. I mean, we rarely txteD each other and dats the oNLy coMmunicAtioN we are relying To.
i knw we doNt have a tHing,,we dnt have any em0tioNAL atTaChment, buT dErz d word "us".
next oNe is mae and its a bit loNger than the other oNe..
lesS than a m0nth i tHink.
m0st of the time, i mesS up.
loOking bAck,,
I Got mhel, we've beEn together for alm0st 2yearz, then i screweD up.
i met rowena,i screweD up.
i met dahlie,
I ScreweD up then met her oficemate cecille..
i screweD a lot riGht.
buT...
g0t hurt m0st of the time..
aBOve menti0neD WEr ol oldr than me except d 1st two (text relatioNsHips).. That was 5 yearz ago i thnk..
hoNestly, i dnt hv sense of resPoNsibility.. And m0st of the time, the thougHT of "forever" scAres me..
i've met forever,and forever coMe and go...
for a loNg time,,ive tasteD freEd0m.. And i got useD to it.
the last time i had a muTual undErStanding with soMeoNe was when i was in college.
We held hands, we are sweEt, to0k cAre of ich other, we kisSeD, we tell eaCh other tHings, and do tHingz... BuT we never beEn ofFicial. I never p0pPEd the word..
nO pResSure, we got jelus buT we fELt we hav n0 RiGht, we argueD buT n0t to0 Much, we tell eaCh other what to do or what n0t to do buT 8s up to us really if we c0mply, we we're hapPy buT there was nO "us"...
i was inlove, and i was freE,..
I couldnt pRopose, buT i kn0w im n0t playing, and i kn0w the fEeling was real..
And i thougHt it could go oN buT we knew, we can't..
"i saw the end, beFore it begun" -that was fr0m james blunt by the way..
n0w i remember why i never p0pPeD the questioN.
the freEd0m was awesoMe.. BuT doNt take it in a wr0ng way..
remember when i said im irResPoNsible? Its becAuse being in a bf-gf stage, its an0ther, and biGger level. Thats where the expEctati0ns begin.
expectatioNs that i doNt kn0w if i cAn do.
and i thougHt,,
"i love tHis girl and i want her to be haPpy. And in the l0ng run, i dun0 if i cAn Give her that"...
We stayeD there, we were stUck in a coMmitment freE relatioNSHip.
so that, if she finds the oNe that is ryt for her, she woNt be so hesitant to tell or leave me.. BecAuse theres 0nly "i" and "her", thats apart... And there's n0 "us" that u cud break...
i feEL dope. Otherz may tHink im playing, buT n0, I aint...
After college, she found This boy. And i said, i madE the riGht tHing. Well the relati0nshp didnt go to well, buT i heard she's with soMeoNe n0w. And she's n0w str0nger than ever.
1 tHing i regret, i BROke my rule. N0t to get r0mance atTaChment with a close friend..
forever in other hand, is still waiting there soMewhere.. At the latTer part of my lifE's journey..
forever is a stroNg word,and it scAres me.
there are tHings i cAn't explain riGht n0w, buT i kn0w soMeDay, i will.
People are still trying to read my mind, to undErStand me. BuT gez what? i am t0o, trying to undErStand myself..
riGht n0w, my me-self is n0t as sweEt as the younger verSioN of me...
Thats becAuse i've beEn hurt to0 Many times. People always leave,.So i'm woNdErin, hus g0nNa stay...
so, i cAnt ofFer or pRoMise anytHing riGht n0w.

time to do chores.
i'll post next time.
forever, we'll meEt soMeDay...

NOTE: I blogged this using my phone, so I'm sorry or the camel type of posting.