cool and funny

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... - Louis Hector Berlioz

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. - Mark Twain

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson

Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'. -Homer Simpson

Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil. - Jerry Garcia

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable. - Mrs. White, (Clue 1985)

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.

Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.

How Many Roads Must A Man Walk Down Before He Admits Hes lost?

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Lily Tomlin

"Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway." - Joey Adams

He who laughs last didn't get it.

There are three sides of an arguement -- your side, my side and the right side.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

"Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back." - Al Bundy

If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives.

Whatever it is -- I didn't do it!

Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates