:)

boring day.. hope tomorrow will be better.. and my baby boy will feel better too..

goodnight world......

di pa naman ako matutulog....

wala lang magawa... yoko pa namang matulog kahit antok na kew

ACT OF LETTING GO

I’m with her right now at the coffee shop where we used to hang-out.
“How are you?”, she asked me.
I can’t even answer her quickly. My tongue was tied. I know that she moved on to whatever we had. But I asked her out to see her for the last time. But she doesn’t know that it will be the last, and she doesn’t know that I’m moving away from this place.
We are friends who fell in love, and I don’t know if it was a good move. To level up the friendship to something deeper but more complicated. We were happy and we thought that its healthy. But I gues it’s not healthy for the people around us. I was truly happy to have her. But there was a point that I thought she doesn’t deserve someone like me. Because I’m a zilch compare to her. I am not a rake, and I don’t intend to be one. But as I said, the relationship is complicated.
One day, she told me she’s hurting and that’s the last thing that I wanna do to her. I never want to hurt her.
My deep thinking vanished as she talked again…
“Hey! Are you with me or what?” she nudged me.
“Oh yeah, I’m okay. How about you? I’m sorry, I really don’t know what to say”,, I answered.
The lightning strikes and thunder rumbles. She babbles something and I know she’s afraid of the lightning. I reach for her hand and locked it with my hand.
I squeezed her hand and told her, “Don’t be scared.. I’m here”. I stared at her eyes while telling her that.
“I missed you” she said in a low voice.
“I missed you more.. More than you can imagine.” I replied. My voice almost cracked. I’m holding back the tears that was about to burst. I miss her, I miss everything about her. But I know she’s happy with her life right now and I’m not here to mess things up again.
We talked, reminisced, asked questions, laughed, smiled…
But I didn’t have the courage to talk about us. It was a sudden hurt inside when I checked on my wristwatch and realized how time flies. She should be at home before six. Im feeling my tears will drop any moment by just thinking that we will be apart again, that things will never be the same again..
“So, this is it” I said “Thank you for spending this day with me. I should get going. I have a bus to catch”
I looked outside the shop and the rain starts to pour. I always wanted to be with someone under the rain. Someone I could ask to laugh with, to kiss, and someone I could ask to dance under the rain. She may never be that someone, but I know, I want her to be the one. Her voice stopped me from day dreaming.
“will I see you again?” she asked me. I smiled bitterly and said, “ I don’t know… Maybe.. If there would be a time, sure..”
I stood up, “Goodbye then….” I kissed her cheek.
I walked away, headed to the door. Then I walked under the rain.
“WAIT!” a voice from my back stopped me. I turned around and I saw her running towards me. She hugged me and I felt the strong emotion coming from me. I hugged her back… so tight….
This time, I don’t want to let her go.. This time I want to be selfish and own her for myself and myself only.
But here comes the sad reality that came to me.. She’s happy now and she got someone she don’t wanna hurt..
I softly touched her face. Lean towards her that made her face closer to my face.
“I’ll call you ok?” I said with teary eyes and trembling voice. She didn’t say anything. She bit her lower lip, sad eyes, and she nodded. Before selfishness rule my being, I gave her a gentle kiss on her lips. “Goodbye my Beloved” I told her and I turned my back.
I walked away because I know if had stayed a lil longer, I will never let her go again. She loved me. I love her still. But she was never mine and never will be. I dreamt about kissing under the rain… Dancing under the rain… But I never imagined having my heart be broken under the rain.
I’ll never forget her and the road we didn’t take. I’ll never forget all the things about her. I walked away while the sky is crying. I cant fight fight it anymore, my yes started to rain. Then, raindrops and tears collide.

Just another talking

SoMeoNe askeD me today, why am i afraid to have a relatioNsHip?
And it madE me tHink dEep..
in the past five m0nths, i've had two text "relationsHipS".
1 was with crystal, and it lasteD for a weEk, if u col that relati0nshp. I mean, we rarely txteD each other and dats the oNLy coMmunicAtioN we are relying To.
i knw we doNt have a tHing,,we dnt have any em0tioNAL atTaChment, buT dErz d word "us".
next oNe is mae and its a bit loNger than the other oNe..
lesS than a m0nth i tHink.
m0st of the time, i mesS up.
loOking bAck,,
I Got mhel, we've beEn together for alm0st 2yearz, then i screweD up.
i met rowena,i screweD up.
i met dahlie,
I ScreweD up then met her oficemate cecille..
i screweD a lot riGht.
buT...
g0t hurt m0st of the time..
aBOve menti0neD WEr ol oldr than me except d 1st two (text relatioNsHips).. That was 5 yearz ago i thnk..
hoNestly, i dnt hv sense of resPoNsibility.. And m0st of the time, the thougHT of "forever" scAres me..
i've met forever,and forever coMe and go...
for a loNg time,,ive tasteD freEd0m.. And i got useD to it.
the last time i had a muTual undErStanding with soMeoNe was when i was in college.
We held hands, we are sweEt, to0k cAre of ich other, we kisSeD, we tell eaCh other tHings, and do tHingz... BuT we never beEn ofFicial. I never p0pPEd the word..
nO pResSure, we got jelus buT we fELt we hav n0 RiGht, we argueD buT n0t to0 Much, we tell eaCh other what to do or what n0t to do buT 8s up to us really if we c0mply, we we're hapPy buT there was nO "us"...
i was inlove, and i was freE,..
I couldnt pRopose, buT i kn0w im n0t playing, and i kn0w the fEeling was real..
And i thougHt it could go oN buT we knew, we can't..
"i saw the end, beFore it begun" -that was fr0m james blunt by the way..
n0w i remember why i never p0pPeD the questioN.
the freEd0m was awesoMe.. BuT doNt take it in a wr0ng way..
remember when i said im irResPoNsible? Its becAuse being in a bf-gf stage, its an0ther, and biGger level. Thats where the expEctati0ns begin.
expectatioNs that i doNt kn0w if i cAn do.
and i thougHt,,
"i love tHis girl and i want her to be haPpy. And in the l0ng run, i dun0 if i cAn Give her that"...
We stayeD there, we were stUck in a coMmitment freE relatioNSHip.
so that, if she finds the oNe that is ryt for her, she woNt be so hesitant to tell or leave me.. BecAuse theres 0nly "i" and "her", thats apart... And there's n0 "us" that u cud break...
i feEL dope. Otherz may tHink im playing, buT n0, I aint...
After college, she found This boy. And i said, i madE the riGht tHing. Well the relati0nshp didnt go to well, buT i heard she's with soMeoNe n0w. And she's n0w str0nger than ever.
1 tHing i regret, i BROke my rule. N0t to get r0mance atTaChment with a close friend..
forever in other hand, is still waiting there soMewhere.. At the latTer part of my lifE's journey..
forever is a stroNg word,and it scAres me.
there are tHings i cAn't explain riGht n0w, buT i kn0w soMeDay, i will.
People are still trying to read my mind, to undErStand me. BuT gez what? i am t0o, trying to undErStand myself..
riGht n0w, my me-self is n0t as sweEt as the younger verSioN of me...
Thats becAuse i've beEn hurt to0 Many times. People always leave,.So i'm woNdErin, hus g0nNa stay...
so, i cAnt ofFer or pRoMise anytHing riGht n0w.

time to do chores.
i'll post next time.
forever, we'll meEt soMeDay...

NOTE: I blogged this using my phone, so I'm sorry or the camel type of posting.