awesome lines

My mom told me not to talk to strangers. But then I made a Twitter and it became a hobby

When I’m wearing a brand new outfit, I walk out the house feeling all good

When my mom says “I bought food for you”, I’m like oh shit wait, I’m coming!"

When you’re already awake and your mom keeps yelling at your to get up, & i'm like, OK MOM! IM UP!

When you finally get comfortable in bed and your mom says “Come Here!”

When someone makes you mad, but you can’t hit them

When you’re walking in the hallway at school and you don’t 

have enough time to talk to your friends, you walk by making a face

When a teacher is talking about her kid in class, all I’m thinking is:

OHH GOSH!! YOU HAD SEX?!?!

There is no “U” in awesome.

But there is a ‘me

That moment when you press play on your iPod, and you forget that the volume is all the way up

That moment when your friend offers to buy you food when you have no money and doesn’t want to get paid back

That 5 min party you have when the teacher leaves the class.

Having unlimited texting.. With no one to text.

When that annoying person walks in front of you in a movie.

The moment when you’ve been told to take out your gum but it still has flavor left

When you make an epic joke and everyone starts laughing and you sit there with so much power.

When I hear fake girls say they hate fake girls.

When adults complains about our generation

I’m here like hold the fuck up… 

who raised OUR generation? YOUR generation did, so…

I wanna throw a party with fake alcohol and see how many people act wasted.

I hate when people don’t warn me before they take a picture of me

Roses are red, facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the hell are you?

When you’re looking at yourself alone in the mirror and you start to do weird

When you have all these art ideas but you can’t draw

When you wave at someone, and they don’t wave back: well, fuck you too!

That awkward moment when someone tells you how much they hate someone. and then the next day they are best friends?

When that one dumb kid in class keeps asking the most unbelievably stupid questions…

MAAGANG SULAT PARA SA AKING MGA INAANAK

Mga Minamahal Kong Inaanak:

Alam ko, masiyadong maaga pa ang sulat kong itong. Ngunit alam kong walang kasiguraduhan ang buhay. Kaya sa pagsapit ng Disyembre, ayokong masiyadong mataas ang pag-asa niyo na makita ako. Ngunit sana, malaman niyo na gustong gusto ko kayong makita. Pero, may mga pangyayari lang na di ko inaasahan. Eto ang mga maaaring dahilan na wala ako sa Disyembre o hindi ko kayo makita.

1)      May Superpowers ako. Nitong taon lang na nalaman ko ito. Pag malamig ang panahon, nagiging invisible ako. Yun ay isang pangyayari na di ko mapigilan. Panu ko mabibigay ang inyong mga aguinaldo kung ang buwan ng Disyembre ay napakalamig. Kaya nga pag nag-mall ako o pumapasok fast foods, bigla na lang akong nawawala o nagiging invisible. Kagaya ni Jessica Alba sa Fantastic Four.

2)      Meron akong problema sa pandinig. Pag nakakarinig ako ng christmas songs, nabibingi ako. Kaya pala nung minsan, may mga bata sa harap ng bahay namin, akala ko pinagkakatuwaan nila ako kasi para silang sumisigaw pero wala akong naririnig. Nung umalis sila, saka lang sinabi ng kapatid ko na nangangaroling sila. Naulit ang mga pangyayaring ito. Nagpatingin ako sa doktor, ngunit wala silang makitang depekto.  Nakapanlulumo.

3)      Pinaaalalahanan ko din kayo na ang pinakamagandang regalo sa pasko ay ang makasama ang pamilya. Kaya imbes na lumabas kayo ng bahay, be with your family and feel the spirit of christmas. Walang pinakamagandang regalo kundi ito.

4)      Sumama ako sa kilusan, kaya ngayon nasa bundok ako. Kahit mahirap ang internet connection dito, ginawa ko ito para sa inyo. Gusto ko kasing sundan ang yapak ni Javier sa Minsan Lang Kitang Iibigin. Hahanapin ko din ang mga tunay kong mga magulang. Yayaman din ako at mabibili ko kayo ng mga mamahaling laruan. At nakikipaglaban ako para sa inyong kinabukasan sa bayan na ito. Ginawa ko ito, dahil kayo ang iniisip kp. Kung makita niyo man ako sa ating bayan, wag niyo kong lalapitan. May mga sumusunod kasi sa aking mga militar, at ayaw ko kayong madamay. Ganun ko kayo kamahal.

5)        Gusto kong matutunan niyo ang pinakaimportanteng kaugalian sa lahat. Ang pagtitiis o pagpapasensiya. Di ba nga, PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE? Gusto kong mahubog ang inyong pagkatao sa kaugaliang ito.

Hanggang dito na lang mga mahal kong inaanak. Tandaan niyo na lagi kayong nasa isip ko. LOVE YOU! MWAH TSUP! INGAT. J

YOUR GODPARENT,

VHONSKALL

funny phrases

When you’re reading a person’s graphic tee and they walk away before you finish reading

I hate it when someone starts to tell you something but they end up saying “never mind”

When my friends say stuff around my parents they aren’t supposed to say

That awkward moment when you’re falling off of your bed and you can’t find anything to grab to stop yourself

That moment when your friend keeps talking and you pretend to be interested.

When a friend makes you laugh in class and you have to try and hold it in

When someone is so attractive it hurts

When someone accidentally lets one of your biggest secrets slip out to someone you didn’t want knowing

Whenever I use ‘Thus’ in an essay, I feel like motherfucking Shakespeare.

The awkward moment when you’re eating dinner at someone’s house and you don’t like their cooking

“Why do you and your bestfriend laugh at everything?” Coz that's what we do!

That awkward moment when you walk out of your bedroom in your pajamas and there’s a guest in your house.

Who ever invented the “copy and paste” has saved many hours of my life.

That awkward moment when you think of something odd/dirty in public then really hope there isn’t a telepath in the room

“In the world there are, on average, five people with the look identical to yours.”

There are 5 sexy motherfuckers out there.

Looking at your textbooks thinking

“What a waste of a tree”

when you see your ex with someone who isn’t even half as cute as you.

When someone is getting on your nerves and you’re trying not to say anything…

I hate it when i’m walking around my house in socks &’ I step on something wet

Money does not buy happiness, but it pays my internet, which is almost the same thing.

On “My Super Sweet 16” when the girl gets mad that daddy bought her the wrong car

Bitch I ride a bike…

Spend more time looking at your face on video chat

than the person you’re camming with. 

The sexual noises we all make when we stretch

*UHHHHHHH

You could be selling your soul by agreeing to the “Terms and Conditions” and you would never know it.

That awkward moment when you’re really upset and decide to play the saddest song you know.

After 25 years of sex in the dark, a wife finds out her husband has been using a dildo on her. When she found out she said “Explain the dildo fool,” he said, “Explain the kids bitch.”

The moment of jealousy when you find out your friends have gone out somewhere without inviting you.

Wouldn’t it be nice if your iPod could detect your mood and make a playlist for it?

Certain people need to understand that I don’t like them.

When you’re in class and someone asks you for a pencil so you give them the most retarded one you own.

Walking into your house late at night hoping 

When distant family members visit and your parents want to give them your room to stay in…

That awkward moment when you hand over your phone to show someone a picture…and they keep scrolling through the rest

Give It Back Now, with your nosey ass

Watching someone eat that last piece of cake you had your eye on…

When someone says: “Wow, you look great today!!” 

The fuck did I look like yesterday…?

That awesome moment when you’re included in someone’s profile picture.

When the computer says you’re connected to the internet but pages don’t load. Don't lie to me bitch!

Getting food at night and trying not to wake your family with your clumsiness.

I hate how these people on Sweet 16 act all surprised when their parents say “ERRYBODY OUTSIDE”. Bitch, you know damn well your spoiled ass is getting a fucking car.

That awkward moment when you can’t find your phone because your bed ate it.

I didn’t fall for you, you fucking tripped me.

That awkward moment when your chair makes a fart noise & no one believes it was the chair, so you try to do it again but you can’t make the sound.

When I buy a bag of air and the company is nice enough to put in some chips

why breathe air for free when you can pay $1.50 and get chips as a bonus

That awkward moment when your mom is doing the dishes and you slowly put your plate into the sink.

When your phone rings and you turn into a fucking athlete to get it

When your friends bring up something that could get you in trouble in front of your parents

When that fake bitch tries to act like your friend

The reason why I look so bad in my school pictures?

The photographer said I needed to bring my sexy level down because it might hurt the self-esteem of other students.

That awkward moment when you say something really deep:

First Reaction: Wow, how the fuck did I think about it?:

That moment when you’re not sure if the automatic door is going to open for you or not.

And you’re just standing there like:

Well, damn…. Should I touch the motherfucker?

Stalking someone’s facebook and accidentally clicking “like” on something

YOU KNOW WHAT’S WORSE THAN SLOW INTERNET?

NOTHING!!!

Distance Sucks -_-

Do you know how far my fucking fridge is from my room ?! D

DEAR OPTIMIST, PESSIMIST, AND REALIST

While you guys were arguing about the cup of water, I drank itTHAT FRUSTRATING MOMENT WHEN YOU CAN’T REACH THE LAST PRINGLE.

EVERYONE SEEMS TO BE SO FIXATED UPON THE FACT THAT VOLDEMORT HAS NO NOSE. HE HAS NO EYEBROWS EITHER

WHEN I DIE, I WANT SOMEONE TO KEEP UPDATING MY FACEBOOK STATUS TO FREAK PEOPLE OUT

THAT MOMENT WHEN YOU REALIZE YOU SAID SOMETHING REALLY STUPID AND YOU CANT TAKE IT BACK

That awkward moment when you’re really annoyed at someone but you don’t wanna start a fight so you’ll just shut up.

I HATE WEDDINGS BECAUSE OLD PEOPLE ALWAYS POKE YOU AND SAY “YOU’RE NEXT!”:

So I started doing the same shit to them at funerals

THAT STAGE IN A FRIENDSHIP WHERE YOU CAN START INSULTING THEM.

DEAR FUTURE HUSBAND,:

When you propose to me, please don’t put the ring in my food because I guarantee I will eat that shit

That awkward moment when someone’s zipper is down and you don’t know whether to tell them or not because you don’t know how to explain why you were looking that low.

If you’re referring to me in a status, go ahead and tag me in it, bitch.

That awkward moment when someone remembers your name but you have NO clue who they are.

That awkward moment when you start telling a story and you realize no one’s listening, so you slowly fade out and pretend you never said anything.

When you see pictures of your friends hanging out and you weren’t invited

Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a brighter day.

I was normal until…

bullshit, I was never normal.

When you dislike someone so much that their name angers you

Apple and Blackberry should team up and make a phone called the Pie.

When my mum calls the home phone and ask if I’m at home.

No mum, I’m at a strip club.

When your crush is in the room and your best friends start to tease you, making it totally obvious.

That awkward moment when your parents bring up the topic of sex and you just sit there all innocent like…

Wait…what’s sex? Who even does that?

My girlfriend just texted me saying “I want you to get me wet when I get home ;)”.

I’ve got 15 water balloons ready… I can’t wait.

The mood where every little thing pisses you off

I notice everything. I just don’t say shit.

That awkward moment when you’re in public, and you don’t want to sit right next to a stranger, so you sit one chair away from them.

In every P.E class there is always that one person who thinks they are in the fucking Olympics.

That awkward moment when you shout the wrong answer in class with confidence.

have you ever pretended that the brushy thing on the side of an escalator is a shoe cleaner?

i love it when you know somebody’s secret, but they don’t know that you know, and you know that they don’t know that you know.

When you are in a relationship and everyone tells you they like you.. Shit.. I was single for so long..

That awkward moment when someone you deleted off Facebook tries to add you again.

looking at things you wrote or comments you made from a year ago and wondering how you could possibly be that stupid

That awkward moment when your parents ask about one of your old friends that you’re not friends with anymore.

That incredibly awkward moment when you’re watching t.v with your family and a hardcore sex scene appears

When your mom thinks you have an attitude with her but all you did was answer her question

What did Barrack say to Michelle when he proposed? “I don’t wanna be Obama self…”

The awkward moment when you and your parents are watching a movie and a sex scene comes up…

Parents, staring neutral at the TV:

You, looking everywhere but at the TV not to show any type of interest:

*person doesn’t text you back*

*but you see them tweet/facebook/post on tumblr*

Looking at pictures of yourself and realising you’re not unphotogenic, you’re just an ugly fucker.

Somebody needs to invent a mirror that takes pictures…

That awkward moment when you accidentally call your teacher ‘Mom’

That awkward moment when you see your friends with the person you hate.

When people think it’s okay to say something really offensive to you as long as they say ‘no offense’ before they say it…

I’d jump in front of a train for you. As long as it’s not moving.

When you meet someone who gets your sense of humor no matter how stupid it may be

funny love quotes

"It is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them."

"Forget love... I'd rather fall in chocolate."

"Some pray to marry the man they love, my prayer will somewhat vary: I humbly pray to heaven above that I love the man I marry."

"The one who loves least controls the relationship."

"I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste."

Boys are players that's a fact,
don't fall in love with them just play them back;)

As long as I never stop smiling
I'll never feel the pain of sadness ever again
Don't you wish it were true?

Lose your control so that i can control you uncontrollably.

Who says love is bad...just like cake, I would say it's the best I've ever had!

Fight for the one you love and never give up
or cry like a baby

"Lust fades, so you'd better be with someone who can stand you."

"The bravest thing that men do is love women"

Girl I may be a real bad boy,
But baby I'm a real good man...

~Tim McGraw

Kiss the kissers, love the lovers, play the players.

In my dreams u r the princess of my kingdom, but when it comes to reality u r just the girl that i cant have.

Love is the answer of all the questions.

**********************

You don’t need to have the heart of your lover as you have their soul.

**********************

Love is blind because people fall in love with their eyes closed.

***********************

You are in love when you feel that the song you are listening is written just for you.

***********************

Love when you are ready for it not when you are alone.

**********************

Love is life so never miss love if you don’t wanna miss life.

***********************

A soul mate is the person who makes you the most ‘you’ that you can possibly be.

***********************

Love is the game in which both the players win.

***********************

It’s easy to hate some one but it needs courage to love someone.

***********************

Never find a complete person to love rather make him/her complete with your love.

The sincerest love is the love of food.
Bernard Shaw .
***********


Marrying for love may be a bit risky, but it is so honest that God can't help but smile on it.
Josh Billings
***********

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

***********

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener! Unknown

***********

The great question... which I have not been able to
answer... is, "What ..does a woman want?''
-- Freud
***********

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; by then it was too late."

***********
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette
***********

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him
***********


Do not marry a man to reform him. That is what reform schools are for."
Mae West
***********


Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.

Ambrose Bierce

***********

Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law

***********


Man is better off than woman; he marries later and dies sooner

***********


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

***********

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred

***********


Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.

-Oscar Wilde

***********


A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.—

Zsa Zsa Gabor

***********


My wife and I were happy for 20 years - then we met.

-Rodney Dangerfield

***********


The most happy marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.

Coleridge

***********


One good husband is worth two good wives; for the scarcer things are, the more they are valued.

Benjamin Franklin

***********


.The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-Henry Youngman
***********

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller
***********

If husbands could realize what large returns of profit may be gotten out of a wife by a small word of praise paid over the counter when the market is just right, they would bring matters around the way they wish them much oftener than they usually do.
***********

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
***********

Arguments are unsafe with wives, because they examine them; but they do not examine compliments. One can pass upon a wife a compliment that is three-fourths base metal; she will not even bite it to see if it is good; all she notices is the size of it, not the quality.
Hellfire Hotchkiss
***********

All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage.
Lord Byron
***********

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
Jimmy Durante.
***********

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
-- Albert Einstein - Funny Love Quotes
***********

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Anonymous
***********

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
-- Jim Backus
***********

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."
George Burns.
***********

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close knit family in another city."
George Burns.
***********

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray.
***********

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker."

Woody Allen.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday
is to forget it once
***********
Yawn - Nature's way of letting married men open their mouths

Anon

***********
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

***********
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

***********
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence
***********

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
***********

A wife is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
unknown
***********
I think, therefore I'm single.

My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's titled, "Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong."

***********

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

***********

Honolulu — it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

***********
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.

***********

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish...

***********

Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women? So that we may love you instead of laugh at you.

***********

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

***********
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

***********

After an acquaintance of ten minutes, many women will exchange confidences that a man would not reveal to a lifelong friend.

***********

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby.

***********

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henry Youngman

***********
"I'll never let go Jack, I'll never let go." Rose in Titanic. Several seconds later, poor little Jack sinks to the bottom of the Atlantic...

***********

An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her."
Agatha Christie

***********

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

***********

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Henry Youngman.
*
**********

If a man is talking in the woods and no woman hears him... is he still wrong?

***********

I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

***********
I fell in love at first sight… I should have looked twice.

***********

Before marriage a man yearns for a woman after marriage the ‘y’ is silent .

***********
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want then when you see what the other person has,
you wish you had ordered that.

Shopping is better than sex. At least if you're not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like.
-- Adrienne Gusoff

An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
-- Agatha Christie

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
So each is inevitably disappointed.
-- Albert Einstein

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.
-- Albert Einstein

Men make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.
-- Anonymous

You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty.
-- Anonymous

The four most important words in any marriage..."I'll do the dishes."
-- Anonymous

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.
-- Anonymous

Marriage is like jogging through a puddle of industrial strength rubber glue. You can work hard and make it through the struggles; however, you usually leave your bobby socks and sneakers behind along the way.
-- Anonymous

When a relationship goes flat, so does a couple of sets of car tires.
-- Anonymous

Men only have two faults....What they do, and what they say!
-- Anonymous

You can't buy love on eBay.
-- Anonymous

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?
-- Bette Midler

A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
-- Brendan Francis

Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.
-- Cathy Carlyle

Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter.
-- Cecilia Egan

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -- and then marry him.
-- Cher

Men aren't necessities, they're luxuries.
-- Cher

By the time you swear you're his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is infinite, undying -
Lady, make note of this: One of you is lying.
-- Dorothy Parker

I'm always looking for meaningful one night stands.
-- Dudley Moore

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
-- Erma Bombeck

Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.
-- Fran Lebowitz

It is impossible to love and be wise.
-- Francis Bacon

Marriage marks the end of many short follies - being one long stupidity.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche

Love is a mutual self-giving which ends in self-recovery.
-- Fulton J. Sheen

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
-- George Carlin

Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one.
-- Glenn Beck

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
-- Helen Rowland

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.
There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
-- Henry Kissinger

When we got married I told my wife "If you leave me, I'm going with you.
And she never did.
-- James Fineous McBride

Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house.
-- Jean Kerr

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.
-- Joan Crawford

It's been so long since I made love,
I can't even remember who gets tied up.
-- Joan Rivers

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
-- Joan Rivers

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip.
-- Jonathan Carroll

No matter how love-sick a woman is, she shouldn't take the first pill that comes along.
-- Joyce Brothers

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.
-- Katharine Hepburn

True love is like seeing ghosts; we all talk about it, but few of us have ever seen one.
-- La Rochefoucauld

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.
-- Lily Tomlin

The only people who make love all the time are liars.
-- Louis Jordan

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby.
-- Natalie Wood

Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humour in the woman.
-- Oscar Wilde

Love is a grave mental disease.
-- Plato

Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with?
-- Rita Rudner

Forget love, I'd rather fall in chocolate.�
-- Sandra J. Dykes

All marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems.
-- Shelley Winters

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
-- Steve Martin

A love without indiscretion is no lover at all.
-- Thomas Hardy

Marriage is a great institution for those who like institutions.
-- Tommy Dewar

Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species.
-- W. Somerset Maugham

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
-- Walt Disney

Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
-- Woody Allen

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.
-- Woody Allen

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
-- Woody Allen

funny quotes

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. (not a clue!)


When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car. (maybe Will Rogers)


A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished. Zsa Zsa Gabor


There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. (not a clue!)


I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes. Oscar Wilde


A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials. (not a clue!)


A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it is written on. Samual Goldwyn


The road to success is always under construction. Lily Tomlin


A man's only as old as the woman he feels. Groucho Marx


If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button. Sam Levenson


Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made. George Burns


Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. (not a clue!)


Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it. (not a clue!)
I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere. George Burns
View All 4,200 Funny Quotes


What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come. (not a clue!)
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying. Oscar Wilde
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together. Oprah Winfrey


The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away. Tom Waits


Income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf. Will Rogers


Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected! (not a clue!)


Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Erma Bombeck


Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die. Peter Tosh


Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies. - Proverb


If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.David Brent


Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me? Mae West


The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory. Paul Fix


It's not true I had nothing on. I had the radio on. (nude calendar picture) Marilyn Monroe


A man in the house is worth two in the street. (not a clue!)

the difference between a man and a woman when breaking up

Men

Break up day:

A week later:

A month later:

Women

Break up day:

A week later:

A month later: